That's it.

"I guess I will just be someone who will listen to your woes when you experience them. And not someone who can share your happiness. I was kind of hurt by your tone and was taken aback. I mean... I just thought we are siblings. 但是没想到我连做妹妹都不配."

Went to watch From Vegas to Macau with Denny and Eric today. I realised I have been clinging onto something dead. It's like... trying to fish a prawn with a piece of meat, instead of a worm. I have a live worm hanging, why would I want a stale meat? Now I realised Denny is far more sincere than Joseph is. He places me as his priority, whenever he goes out drinking, he make sure that he brings me along to mingle with his friends so that I we can hang out together with his friends easily. When we are out drinking, he will keep talking to me and make sure that I don't feel outcast even though it means he will not get to chat with his friends. But fortunately, I'm good with his buddies. When we are around with friends I haven't met before, he will hold onto my hand, somehow it makes me feel secured, it's as though he is telling these guys that I'm his girlfriend and not to approach me.

I realised I haven't been giving him a chance to prove his love for me and I kept holding on to something that will never be alive again. But these few days, I realised I am more and more attracted to his attentiveness and thoughtfulness that brought me to try to understand him more instead of the usual surface conversations. I hope he will be able to pull through his financial difficulties, start afresh and build his walls again. At least, we share similar visions now of staying in the same home, cooking together, build out little empire of Thai Amulets and kumanthong, rear the same dog, renovate the house in our same taste, and hopefully, set up a food stall together. A simpler life, but more fulfilling, secure, and more importantly, a place call home rather than a house.

Humans change, feelings changes too. All is needed is an open heart and a change of perspective.

It's over.

Everything's definately over.

Expected it the first time I see her. But oh well.. I didn't treasure you in the past. I'm the only one to be blamed. 我会学着放弃. Goodbye.

I'm finally not drunk!!

After so many times, I'm finally not drunk. I went DDD club, drank 4 towers with Kenny and Denny, went V6, drank a maccallan, and went V5 to drink a tower. But I told myself.. I cannot be as drunk as before. I have to return home sober. And I made it! No hubby day! :D

You mia-ed

Sighs.. why did u make me worry over and over again.. woke up at 5plus, saw ur msg and replied u but u didnt reply. And now u turned off ur phone and didnt go home. Will u mia for the whole day or a few hours? Or mayb a few days? I wish u will contact me by other means.

Pain!

Looking at you being close to other girls and there is nothing I can do, just induced me with so much pain. I wish we are back to the past when live is simpler. I don't know what to do.. I wanna end my life sometimes. I really feel like crying over and over again. I am tired.

Disappointment once again.

I guess I am being fooled once again, time after time, into believing that you have finally come to your senses and have realised what is right for you.

You mentioned to me last night that you will be meeting her at night during her working hours to see if Sagiri told her anything. But you messaged me at 12.14am, telling me that you are with Sagiri and Cheng, and to chat later. I waited for a few hours, afraid that I will fall asleep and you have nobody to talk to. But at 3.33am, you told me that you will be staying at her house and wanted me to help you with your excuse of having medical review. Seriously, I don't know what you want. One moment you feel hurt, you told me you didn't want to get involved anymore and you want to leave her. The next moment, you told me you will be staying at her house. Aren't you inviting all the necessary troubles? It just makes me doubt you even more.

I think I have trusted and believe whatever you said for the past 2 years and more. Why did I even bother with your personal love life? I just thought I can walk with you out of all these torments. I thought you wanted to be away from her. Little did I know that you are getting deeper and deeper. I am plain disappointed in you. You never mean the words you said to me.

It's dragging.

Feelings for him blossomed initially. He stood by my side the whole time, whenever I needed to meet, he will be there, when I needed a listening ear, he will be almost 24/7 by his phone, he came to meet me everyday after his work at Jurong Point to smoke, talk to me, pushed me forward and move on after my break up with Joseph. Yes, I fell for him soon after, thinking that he is the right one for me. I should be with him and I will be happy. I no longer need to worry about my bf going out behind my back at night, messaging or be close to other girls, so many god sisters, so hot tempered and finally had someone to take care of me.

Recently, the closer I am to Joseph, the more I feel I had fallen him all over again. It's like.. going from basement 1 to basement 2. It was like another relationship with someone whom you knew for a long time, understanding him and all. Soon after, I lost interest in "him" till the extend I don't look forward to seeing him after work, and to his messages etc.

Then I realised. Loving someone and being together with someone, is all about sacrificing, understanding, listening, feeling sad with him, share his joys, shouldering his burden. No matter how much I tried stopping the love I have for Joseph, the feeling just won't end there. Somehow deep in my heart, I still care, worry, happy for him when he shares his problems with me. That is the feeling one has to the person who meant a world to him/her. No matter how hurt I was, I still want to he there for him. I am willing to be his listening ear, even if it means I will never be with him in a relationship. Yes, I am tired about all those nights he had with his friends out drinking, all the many female friends he has, his bad temper etc. But this was what make me sentimental in our relationship together. Without these, would I have felt anger, jealousy, sadness, worry? I would have been happier, yes. But purely happiness. What about the rest of my emotions? I would then become a robot. But well, I guess he failed to understand this.

It's been an eventful day today. I won't regret and never will. It was that magical moment when everything felt like we were back to those happier times. And then I realise how much I have missed him these 2 months. So magical that I almost teared.

HHT, I just want you to know that, no matter how much you cast me aside, how much you want me out of your life, my promise will never be broken. This is the only promise that I will never break, my love for you will never change. But all I hope for that is, please please sit down and think what kind of lifetime partner you really want and search for that girl. Please don't hurt yourself again by finding someone who doesn't treasure you as much as I do. I will really give you my full blessing when that day comes. I don't care what you treat me as now, really. I just want to be by your side whenever you want someone to share your tears of unhappiness with. You can find someone else to share your joys with. I love you.