I'm finally not drunk!!

After so many times, I'm finally not drunk. I went DDD club, drank 4 towers with Kenny and Denny, went V6, drank a maccallan, and went V5 to drink a tower. But I told myself.. I cannot be as drunk as before. I have to return home sober. And I made it! No hubby day! :D

You mia-ed

Sighs.. why did u make me worry over and over again.. woke up at 5plus, saw ur msg and replied u but u didnt reply. And now u turned off ur phone and didnt go home. Will u mia for the whole day or a few hours? Or mayb a few days? I wish u will contact me by other means.

Pain!

Looking at you being close to other girls and there is nothing I can do, just induced me with so much pain. I wish we are back to the past when live is simpler. I don't know what to do.. I wanna end my life sometimes. I really feel like crying over and over again. I am tired.

Disappointment once again.

I guess I am being fooled once again, time after time, into believing that you have finally come to your senses and have realised what is right for you.

You mentioned to me last night that you will be meeting her at night during her working hours to see if Sagiri told her anything. But you messaged me at 12.14am, telling me that you are with Sagiri and Cheng, and to chat later. I waited for a few hours, afraid that I will fall asleep and you have nobody to talk to. But at 3.33am, you told me that you will be staying at her house and wanted me to help you with your excuse of having medical review. Seriously, I don't know what you want. One moment you feel hurt, you told me you didn't want to get involved anymore and you want to leave her. The next moment, you told me you will be staying at her house. Aren't you inviting all the necessary troubles? It just makes me doubt you even more.

I think I have trusted and believe whatever you said for the past 2 years and more. Why did I even bother with your personal love life? I just thought I can walk with you out of all these torments. I thought you wanted to be away from her. Little did I know that you are getting deeper and deeper. I am plain disappointed in you. You never mean the words you said to me.

It's dragging.

Feelings for him blossomed initially. He stood by my side the whole time, whenever I needed to meet, he will be there, when I needed a listening ear, he will be almost 24/7 by his phone, he came to meet me everyday after his work at Jurong Point to smoke, talk to me, pushed me forward and move on after my break up with Joseph. Yes, I fell for him soon after, thinking that he is the right one for me. I should be with him and I will be happy. I no longer need to worry about my bf going out behind my back at night, messaging or be close to other girls, so many god sisters, so hot tempered and finally had someone to take care of me.

Recently, the closer I am to Joseph, the more I feel I had fallen him all over again. It's like.. going from basement 1 to basement 2. It was like another relationship with someone whom you knew for a long time, understanding him and all. Soon after, I lost interest in "him" till the extend I don't look forward to seeing him after work, and to his messages etc.

Then I realised. Loving someone and being together with someone, is all about sacrificing, understanding, listening, feeling sad with him, share his joys, shouldering his burden. No matter how much I tried stopping the love I have for Joseph, the feeling just won't end there. Somehow deep in my heart, I still care, worry, happy for him when he shares his problems with me. That is the feeling one has to the person who meant a world to him/her. No matter how hurt I was, I still want to he there for him. I am willing to be his listening ear, even if it means I will never be with him in a relationship. Yes, I am tired about all those nights he had with his friends out drinking, all the many female friends he has, his bad temper etc. But this was what make me sentimental in our relationship together. Without these, would I have felt anger, jealousy, sadness, worry? I would have been happier, yes. But purely happiness. What about the rest of my emotions? I would then become a robot. But well, I guess he failed to understand this.

It's been an eventful day today. I won't regret and never will. It was that magical moment when everything felt like we were back to those happier times. And then I realise how much I have missed him these 2 months. So magical that I almost teared.

HHT, I just want you to know that, no matter how much you cast me aside, how much you want me out of your life, my promise will never be broken. This is the only promise that I will never break, my love for you will never change. But all I hope for that is, please please sit down and think what kind of lifetime partner you really want and search for that girl. Please don't hurt yourself again by finding someone who doesn't treasure you as much as I do. I will really give you my full blessing when that day comes. I don't care what you treat me as now, really. I just want to be by your side whenever you want someone to share your tears of unhappiness with. You can find someone else to share your joys with. I love you.

These days

Yes.. I cry myself to sleep everynight.

Just ended a drinking session with Denny, Josephine, Jason and HHT. And yes, I cannot forget about him no matter how hard I tried. It's hard, almost impossible. My heart aches whenever I see him messaging Huixin, I know she means something to him. I am replaceable, that is what makes me sad. I want him to know that I've moved on. I want him to be happy, to find the one that he truely likes, someone who is suitable for him. I can't let him do the things he wants if I am with him. I have a controlling character. But I feel jealous and a stab in the heart whenever he messages her.

A million stress in my mind.

How do I really feel?

It has been so many days since our breakup. It was devastating, yes. But after various informations that I have gathered, I've came to realise that I am the only loyal one in the relationship. Being loyal isn't entirely about the body. It's also the heart.

Yes. It was painful finding out the truth. I wish to trust you in many ways. But nonetheless, you have betrayed me time after time. Well, to many others, you were only together with your current girlfriend since 07 December 2013. But to me, I am aware that while I was on my trip to Shenzhen, you have been meeting her up and fell for her. I don't blame you for this. I have never been a partner who loves partying. I never liked dolling myself up, I am not as young as her. The truth sank in and I have decided to give up. When you were back in Singapore, you still assured me that it's not a 3rd party issue that lead to our break up. I am just plain disappointed in you.

But deep within me, it's difficult to suppress my love for you. I told everyone that I have already given up on you. And even if 1 day you were to return, I will never get back together with you again. I have been hurt so much that I am a totally changed person now. I don't take relationships seriously anymore now. I want to fend myself off from the others.

But there's always a saying that if you love a person, just let him be, let him find what he want and be happy. It's called the unconditional love. All I want is for you to be happy and find your true love even though I know I will never be the one that you want to find. It's heart breaking to let you go just like that. But I have to learn.

But I have to thank you. For the past 2 years, I have been controlled by you, preventing me from meeting my friends, I'm not even allowed to message them. It was torturing. But I was willing to give up everything so as not to hurt you. But right now, I have finally found my freedom, I get to see friends around me who really care about me. Some of them are even your good friends once. But do you know something? Most of them said you have a 風流 character and were infact glad that we broke up. It was a blessing in disguise.

I want to shout out loud, I want to vent my sadness. I want to take a break from all these.

我給你最後的疼愛是手放開.