The End

I recently updated our blog with my post. And here it is, in the event that you will delete the whole blog infuture, at least I still have a record of our closure.

Dear Joseph,

It was the most pleasant and memorable time of my life so far, being with you from 10 December 2011 - 26 November 2013. I guess there is a closure to everything. I doubt you will ever get to read this last post. Either you have forgotten about this blog, or that you remembered but just wanted to delete every link that we once had.

This is a place where I can speak my heart out. After our official break up on 25 November 2013 morning when you sent me the message saying that you wish to cool down, I know we will never be back together again. You have never said this to me. As you mentioned before, both of us are like husband and wife, hence we must never mention the word break up. You moulded me into someone who will take this relationship seriously, as though we were married. There is no "breaking up" in our dictionary. You mentioned that if there are any problems arising, both of us have to sit down face to face and talk over cigarettes, to see each other expression and know how each other is feeling.

22 November 2013:
At the very beginning, I didn't believe you when you say that you have lost your feelings in me and you have no idea why. I kept thinking back about the past few days when we were together in Shenzhen. On the day of your arrival in our hotel room, while waiting for Danny, you sat on the arm rest of the sofa and embraced me in a tight hug. While we sat on the edge of the bed watching the tv, you lie on my leg and pulled my hand over your face to stroke your face and smell my pillow. On the morning of my departure to Singapore, before we left the room, you even asked me to leave the pillow behind as you said you will miss me, and when I agreed, I could see that smile across your face. But little did I know, that moment was the very last time I will see you smile because of me.

25 November 2013:
I received a message from you asking me if you can go partyworld with Alina and Philo. I asked you questions (as always) on a pretext to disturb you, as I usually would. I remembered there was once when you wanted to go out drinking with your friends and when I said you can go, you even ask me is it because I don't care about you anymore hence I allow you to go readily. I didn't think much of this question. I just thought you are more used to the controlling Wifey that you have spent your life with for the past 2 years. But deep down, I was really happy that you can enjoy yourself in Taiwan as I know recent work stress has been adding on upon you. I wanted to taunt you a little more before telling you that you can go. I didn't want you to feel that I don't love you or care for you anymore. But your reply deeply shocked me so much that I felt like jumping off the building of my house that very moment. As you know, there is lift upgrading on going and the ground floor has zinc perimeters everywhere. It was the best way to die. Jumping off the building, getting sliced in half by the zinc and dying instantly. But I was held back by another thought of mine. If I were to jump, there will never ever be a chance for us to get back together again.

I sat down with Crystal and even concluded that it might be due to work stress and I thought you wanted me to be out of this company so that I won't get influenced, because you loved me. I thought we will still get back together after all these difficult times like in the past as long as we share the same vision of our future together, building our own little family. I kept pestering you as that was what I always did. I thought you will be soft-heartened by my past actions that I have changed, and will give me another chance. I assume your amulet gave you a change of priority to work more than me. All along, I know your priority lies in family, friends then girlfriend. But I overlooked your career. Hence after finding out the name of your amulet, I decided that I should find out more about it. About why I am so sensitive the very first moment I see it. Upon checking, I realised that every such amulet has a child spirit encased into it my a Thai Chant. As I assumed you are not aware and thought that it's a Buddha amulet, I tried all means to let you know by sending you website URLs and also hinting you to feed it.

I suddenly lost my sense of direction in life. I got Crystal to accompany me to the Thai Temple in Bedok to seek for an answer, a direction. I draw lots and I was so happy when I saw the word 緣分終成. I couldn't believe what I saw. I even seek the monk for assurance. Telling him that my boyfriend just broke up with me, and asked the Buddha if my boyfriend and I will patch back again. and when the monk read the note, he kept smiling and said yes, both of you will be together again as fate has not ended. I was so happy and was determined not to give you up. No matter how much I was hurt, I still wanted to be with you and spend the rest of my life with you.

But things between us did not turn better at night. I have made situations worse by trying to pursue on our relationship. I locked myself in my room at night as I have no mood to eat, talk to anyone or listen to anyone.

26 November 2013:
I was considered a nuisance to you. I kept pestering you and now even hated me for telling your dad and insulting your "Buddha" (which I never insulted). It suddenly dawned on me that you didn't trust me at all for the past few months, or even year? I tried my best not to let you get deeper and deeper into this amulet thing. I felt right from the start, all you wanted was a normal Buddha with better blessings for what you wanted. I wanted to save you from all these. I didn't want you to end up endangering yourself. But my efforts were redundant as you had your own views. I now can only silently support you in whatever you have chosen. To carve your own career and do whatever that you ever wanted. Your freedom. I felt really sad, hurt and disappointed that I confided in my parents and tell them about what happened. That you wanted to break up with me as you felt that I was controlling you. But to them, they were sad too. They have brought me up these 23 years and moulded me into someone that can be treasured and treated with love by a man who loves her. And not someone who felt that she needs to change for him. I even told them about your amulet. I was afraid and worried for you. But they told me, since you have chosen this path, you will never back out of it. Work is more important to you. It's no longer the "company falls then I will find job outside and strive for a future together" anymore. Hence, I have then decided to let you go. It was the most painful day of my life. I have never been in love with any guy for 2 years! Moreover, we spent this 2 years together everyday, going to school, travelling together, having meals with your family and relatives, staying together in hotels, and living together in Zhang Hua (cooking together, washing clothes, vacuuming and mopping our bedroom floor, relaxing on the sofa watching our favourite shows together, and you lying on my lap on the sofa). There are so many memories living together. This was the kind of life I wanted. When we are at home together, we spend it wisely, do things together etc. And when we are back in Singapore, we will go out with our own friends. I learned to understand what you have always wanted. A well-balanced lifestyle.

But I now I see, I took too long a time to understand all these. I took too long to know why you wanted a lifestyle this way. I thought loving and doting on you is all that you ever need. It all came too late. I came to understand all these after I have gone out with my friends and experience that kind of feeling of having a few hours break away from work or anything with link to it. And I thought you saw the change in me, till on 25 November 2013 when you decided that our lifestyle isn't the same. Isn't what you wanted and you regret being with me.

I decided to send you that long message to assure you that I will choose to give up and not pursue on further. I just wanted you to be happy since leaving me was the only thing in your mind since we were together but you never had the courage to do it. As long as we can be friends, I have you to confide in if I have any problems, I am willing to let you go so that you will be happy.

27 November 2013:
Till now, I haven't had a time when I stopped thinking about you. I kept dreaming about you in my whole night of sleep, and crying in my pillow in my dreams. I checked my phone for your message (out of habit) to assure myself that whatever happened for the past 2 days is just a dream. When I am awake, I will receive your "good morning pipi" message once again. I sent you a "good morning", but never did get a response. I guess you are still not ready to proceed with a friend relationship with me yet. I confided in Crystal in the morning to tell her of my decision in letting go. But it's hard. I cried infront of her. I kept asking myself, if you knew we are never meant for each other right from the start, why do you want to drag on for another 1.5 years? Why did you let me approach my parents and arrange for a meet up? Why did you mention that we will buy a BTO in yishun? I even talked to my parents and they finally agreed. I was intending to tell you on our 2nd anniversary, 10 December 2013. I thought you will be happy. I never see us ending. Trying to forget you is something very, very painful. I am suddenly aimless, don't know what to do after work and weekends now, no Taiwan to look forward to, no meetup with you to look forward to. No matter how much I miss you, it can only be kept to myself. It's already been so long together. 2 years seems short. But we have been spending everyday together. It seemed to me like almost like 4 years. Can you imagine how painful it is? But I am still forcing myself to let go of you. I still love you.